You're not helping the other person when you tolerate bad behavior.
There I said it.
I know I might get raised eyebrows by claiming that but hey, I stand by for what I think and feel is right.
I have always believed that each one of us is responsible for our actions no matter how we feel.
So therefore, I can't seem to find or recognize any valid excuse for treating others unkindly or exhibiting bad behavior.
That's called accountability.
I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble here but you see, tolerance isn't exactly the best way to show your love and concern for someone.
In fact, instead of helping that person, you are actually crippling him/her as you prevent him/her to see his/her fault and the need to take responsibility on the situation on hand.
So now, I want you to take this time to reflect: what are you currently tolerating in your space? Who's involved? Why do you do so?
Know that it's ok to be truly honest with yourself because I totally feel that you are coming from a well-meaning space. At least you are more aware now, right?
What is key here is that you now know that anything you tolerate won't do you any good in the long run, even with the best intentions on hand.
Remember this: no one can force you to do things or be with people who are not in alignment with your core values and those which rob you of your happiness and joy. Own your space. Don't let others cross your boundaries for whatever reason because you, much like everyone else, is deserving to take up space as you are and keep it the way you want to. Let them understand that a NO is definitely a NO.
2. Lying
You deserve the truth and nothing less. Allowing someone to continuously lie to you means that you are not being honest with yourself too. So if you really want to help people take responsibility for themselves, you have to always ensure that they come from a space of truth because only with real awareness comes acceptance and change there after. Better to hear the harsh truth than live a lie, right?
3. Violence
Non-negotiable for me. On a personal note, this is something I am very particular with, even before getting in a relationship with someone. I always tell them: the moment you lift a finger on me and intentionally hit me, it's over. No ifs or buts. I hope you realize that the same goes for you too. That no one ever has the right to use violence to make a point. So if you think that accepting all those punches or pinches makes you the better person, no, not really. Don't start creating a raging monster. Read that again.
Ever heard of the saying: "When there's a will, there's a way." So true right? So never let anyone escape his responsibility to honor his/her word and commitment by calling out excuses and focusing on what is needed to be done and delivered accordingly. Don't let anyone take your kindness for granted. While it's ok to give some time and space due to unforeseen events, if it happens all too often or you end up following up most of the time and not get any confirmation about what happens next, then you may want to put your foot down and draw the line.
5. Negativity
To be honest: you don't need any kind of toxic relationship in your life. Every relationship, whether it's with your family, friends, at work or anywhere you may be connected with, should always bring out the best, not the stress in you. You don't want to be the absorber of everyone's negativity nor be verbally put down in the process. That's not your role. It will never be. If the relationship you're in is not helping you grow, let go. You can always nurture new ones when you eventually meet and end up with people who truly deserve to be in your space.
As we wrap this up, I hope by now you have a clearer picture of all the things that you are tolerating in your space that's not really working for you.
With this new awareness, may you be able to to change your ways of showing your love, care and compassion from tolerating people to empowering people to take responsibility for themselves and their actions.
Because you can. And because that is what you deserve too.
As the song goes, sorry seems to be the hardest word.
And I am so sure, we can all relate to this.
Mind you, this goes both ways.
What I mean is that: accepting forgiveness isn't exactly a walk in the park. At times, I even think, based on experience, it's even harder than asking for forgiveness.
Maybe because there are a lot of things to consider: the magnitude of the offense, the relationship at stake, the consequences there after...and the list goes on.
Therefore, in my opinion, it's only right to give the person you've offended enough time and space, as you show how genuinely sorry you are, without really expecting immediate acceptance of your apology in return.
Come to think of it, when was the last time you said sorry to someone you have hurt and how did it go?
Did you even apologize or was something holding you back?
This is also quite understandable. It's not easy to come from a space of humility and courage, knowing that you can be rejected based on what happened. However, I think apologizing is much easier compared to carrying the guilt that goes with the offense in the long run.
Take this time to reflect: what do you think could you do differently so that the other party will be more receptive to your apology?
Please take note of the operative word: genuinely. Meaning, come from your heart. There is such a huge difference when it comes to merely sending out a direct message, a text, an email or a phone call to actually scheduling and meeting up with the other person you've offended and apologize face to face. That's the way you can actually measure the sincerity of the person. Unless the forces of nature intervene or in a life threatening situation, I have always believed that when there's a will, there's a way. Think about this: if you had time to hang out before when things were smooth, what difference does finding time to discuss things in person, have now? Need to travel? Why not. Local or overseas, if the other person is worth it, you would. It's all about being humble and sincere enough to initiate that difficult conversation , face to face as you put value in a relationship worth saving.
2. Ask what you can do to make up for it
At times, your sorry can only do so much. Express your sincerity more by asking what you can do to help lessen the impact of the wrong doing. Is it all about paying for the damage? Giving another schedule? Finding a replacement? Doing what it takes to earn that forgiveness gives you extra points, albeit sometimes more challenging than it seems. But hey, if you're really sorry for your mistakes and really want to patch things up, take note of the terms of the other party. Because this time around, you have to work with their terms. And you can't complain.
Fact: people don't really heal at the same time, more so, not as fast as you want them to. Never force them to accept your apology or to bring things back the way they used to be immediately. Be patient enough to wait when they're ready. In the meantime, focus on doing things that can assure them of your purest intentions without having to expect anything in return. In the process, don't also pressure yourself too much to make things right. You've already done your part, so give yourself more credit for that.
4. Check in after some time
It's not just about burying everything 6 ft below the ground after saying your apologies. Take time to reach out after sometime, say a month or so, to check on the other party. Remember to ask how they're doing, reiterate your intentions for doing so and tell them that you are open to discuss anything if needed. Avoid looking desperate by messaging them so often and forcing yourself and the other party to be ok. If it doesn't work out after a month, try again after another month or two. Never give up on a relationship that matters to you and the opportunity to receive the forgiveness you want and deserve too for yourself.
5. Change for the better
Any apology will be meaningless if you don't embrace the necessary changes that need to go with it. So whether or not the other person accepts your apology, what is important here is that you change for the better. Establish healthier habits, invest on yourself and your growth, make yourself and others proud by becoming your own #bestmeever . That way, whether the other person is ready to accept your apology or not, you've proven to yourself that you are capable of doing what is right and best for you as of the moment. And you don't need anyone else's go signal to apply the lessons you've learned along the way. Cheer up, I am sure someday, that other person will take notice. Until then, continue working on yourself so it doesn't happen again.
I hope by this time you have enough ideas on how to go about asking for forgiveness.
Remember, at the end of the day, you owe it not only to the person you've offended but also to yourself.
Simply because with every sincere apology, you set yourself free.
Credibility. Integrity. Authenticity.
Three core values that I keep closest to my heart.
Seriously though. On a personal note, words can't express the importance of these three when it comes to one's personal and professional life, so to speak.
Time and again, I have proven to myself that by being able to uphold my own core values, I managed to open doors that helped me in my journey towards my own #bestmeever .
While the three mentioned have equal importance, oftentimes, I get to be asked how I built and maintained my credibility through the years as I practice coaching. Maybe because among the three, this requires the most work.
To align everyone reading this: having credibility means the quality of being believable and worthy of trust . I believe that in order for one to be able to build credibility, it's a combination of having desirable behaviors, attitudes and skillsets that will make one trust-worthy.
On that note, since it's quite challenging to build and easy to lose so to speak, it's very important for us to protect it as much as we can.
Remember, as they say: trust, once gone, is hard to regain.
Hard truth indeed.
So given that, I want you to take this time to reflect: how have you been building and maintaining your credibility?
Are there certain behaviors and attitudes that compromise yours, whether consciously or unconsciously?
What actions are working against your credibility?
Whatever your answer may be, know that your awareness can be your stepping stone to addressing what needs to be dealt with in terms of building and maintaining your own credibility.
You are as good as your word. So make sure you honor every contract you signed, every promise you've given and stand by every word that you said. Broken promises lead to having trust broken which eventually can result in relationships, whether on a personal or professional note, breaking up. So before you have any regrets, try your best to commit only to things you are sure you can manage well. That way, you don't end up tarnishing your credibility with promises you can't (and don't intend to) keep.
2. Being inconsistent
How can you trust someone who's unpredictable in terms of behavior and actions? Every single day, show up, do your best, keep your word, follow through, and never leave anything or anyone hanging, no matter how difficult situations may be at times. Don't be afraid to be (and show) your authentic self because as you are, much like everyone else, you deserve to take up space. Drop all the masks, let go of all the pretensions. You don't need those if you want to build your credibility and your relationships around you.
3. Blaming others always
Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions is sexy. There I said it. Haha! Kidding aside, it's quite admirable seeing people who are able to be accountable for the decisions and results they have in life. Know that each time you blame others and refuse to take responsibility for your own life, you risk losing the confidence of people in you as you drown in your own victim mentality. Always take to heart that regardless of what happens to you and within you, you have the power of choice to be accountable for your desired results moving forward.
4. Overpromising, Underdelivering
One of the things I repeat time and again to my coach mentees is to always walk the talk. You can't just rely on your words to do the magic for you. You have to bundle it with the right, intentional actions to be able to deliver accordingly what is needed. While it's nice to assure people with what you say, make sure the assurance stays when you act on it. That means making sure that you give your best into fulfilling the expectations you have set in others. Otherwise, any misalignment in your words and actions can cause people to doubt you and the validity of your words. And that's certainly not a space you want to be caught in, right?
5. Communicating vaguely
Sometimes, when you want to play it safe, you say things for the sake of e.g. soon, next year, a lot, before etc. just to satisfy a certain question posted. Here's the thing: when you really want to commit to something, you will be really specific with the details because you know that you (and the other party) deserve to know accordingly so that expectations and actions can be managed better. So stop using words that are hard to qualify and giving out information that lacks important details to ensure that you don't lose the attention and trust of those listening to you as you speak. Facts over assumptions always, in all ways.
By now, I do hope that you get to embrace the importance of building and maintaining your credibility.
Always remember that your thoughts and actions should always be in alignment with your true intentions.
Because by ensuring that, you are able to keep your credibility in tact.
And that's a priceless experience.
We only live once.
Therefore it's very important to live life fully.
Amen.
I truly believe in this.
You see, through the years, I have seen and experienced losing people close to my heart, albeit too sudden at times, due to sickness or unfortunate events.
Trust me, not an easy space to be in, whether you're the one on the death bed or the one visiting.
You get to realize many things. Like many.
While hopefully a lot of them are happy ones, you can't help but think about those that make you regret having to be feeling helpless in the now.
I want you to take this moment to reflect:
If you were to go unexpectedly (sincerely praying hopefully not), what would be your biggest regret in life?
I feel you. Quite a heavy topic.
But such an eye opener.
Imagine: how many "what ifs" do you still have now?
What are you wishing that could have happened differently?
Breathe.
With that awareness right now, hopefully you can prevent them from happening eventually.
You've heard me say this time and again: work is not life. While it's important to earn a living, it's far more important to enjoy life outside of work. No one will exactly remember your position, how much you earned or what exactly your job was. Your true value lies on how much you've grown on a personal note and how many lives you have touched and changed in the process, including your own. The key here is to work smart and manage your time, energy and resources well so that you can enjoy and explore the beauty of life outside of your 8-hour shift. Trust me, you can never compare the joy you will experience outside of your office, because you shouldn't be a prisoner of your own responsibility to pay your bills. There are other ways. Most of them can be done outside of your self-imposed work trap.
2. Not being able to say or express your true feelings
Say what you want to say, do what you want to do, for as long as you will take responsibility for them. You deserve to be heard, seen and felt-- never let anyone or anything make you feel otherwise. A lot of opportunities and beautiful relationships go to waste simply because you held back. So speak your mind and heart and allow yourself to receive what is due to you: a response that will help you grow there after.
3. Trying to be liked by everyone
You weren't born to please everyone and your happiness does not depend on anyone else's approval. Take that to heart. You don't have to force yourself in relationships or spaces you don't really fit in to. Happiness is a matter of choice and that means choosing what's best for you, and that includes the people who will genuinely love and support you for who and what you are. You're not everyone's cup of tea and that's perfectly ok. Because for all you know, they aren't yours, too.
4. Setting aside your dreams and passion
Doing what you love best and being the person you're meant to be make life worth living. Never be too distracted, pressured or caught up with a lot of unnecessary things in life that you forget about what really makes your heart skip a bit. Remember: you are never too young, too old or too busy to pursue your passion and live your aspirations. You just have to consciously make that choice: to feel worthy of your biggest dreams and of becoming the person you're meant to be: your own #bestmeever .
5. Not embracing your true self
Self-acceptance is key if you truly want to live a happy, full life. Know that as you are, you are very much deserving to take up space, to be respected and recognized and loved fully so never short change yourself by hiding behind a socially-constructed facade. You don't have too. Why pretend when you can live your purpose unapologetically? The rest of your life gets better that way. Don't let others take the lead, after all, you know yourself best.
After reading through all these, may you realize what matters most in this life time:
Your genuine happiness and growth.
Never too late to begin living life regret-free.
Your thoughts become your reality.
Fact.
And that goes both ways.
What I mean is that whatever you focus on, it becomes your reality, good or bad.
That's how powerful your mind is.
Good if you utilize its strength into harnessing your own potential and pushing yourself forward as you become your own #bestmeever .
However, it's a different story altogether if you actually choose to focus on the negative thoughts that you have.
Remember, your self-talk is very powerful and it can definitely affect the way you see and do things in your life in general.
Curating your self-talk is not an easy task so to speak because again, you are very much exposed to a lot of people, things and situations which may cause you to have negative thoughts about yourself. The thing is, you cannot control all of them and stop them from wrecking havoc to your mental and emotional state.
Celebrating yourself then becomes challenging, however, in my opinion, but still very much possible by choice. It's a must actually.
Speaking of choices, what kind of thoughts have you been entertaining on your mind lately? Take this moment to reflect and come from honesty: how are they affecting you in your current space?
Ok, so if you've been entertaining a bunch of not-so-good thoughts lately, know that it's never too late to do away with them.
Here are 5 negative thoughts you should not entertain when they come to you for a visit:
1.) "You are not worthy."
Normally we get this idea when we get rejected, whether by another person or an opportunity on hand. Sadly though, this thought stems from previous experiences while growing up, whether from your parents who minimized your own potentials or opinions of others about yourself and your work which cut through your entire being. However, it is important to know that you define your own worthiness. It's not really based on who you were before, what you've done or what you've failed at. It's about who you choose to be now, how committed you are to yourself and your growth and what you choose to do about your current situation you're in that determines it. Never let what other people said about you nor what the circumstance made you feel, make you forget how deserving you are to still take up space, no matter what.
2.) "You are not good enough."
Failures can definitely dampen our spirits and bruise our egos. But hey, part of growth. What we miss out here is that failure is not an end by itself; it's our choice of whether we let it be or we get inspired to work on ourselves once more based on the rooms for improvement. Come to think of it, isn't it a beautiful thing to know exactly what to anticipate, do differently and turn your failure into an inspiring story there after? Greatness takes time. And a whole lot of patience and effort too. So you may not be good enough...yet. And that's ok. It's only the beginning for you. That will definitely still change.
3.) "You're too much."
Too ambitious? Too animated? Too optimistic? Geez. By who's standards? If it's based on the standards of the society and others, why stress so much? Never let those stop you from becoming the person you're meant to be. You don't need anyone else's approval to be genuine as you embrace your truth. Remember, you will never be too much for the right people you choose to surround yourself with because they will be willing love and support you as you are, and as you grow. For as long as you take responsibility for yourself and your actions, no one can say that you're being too much. Maybe they are just coming from feeling less about themselves each time they see you go for what you truly want and deserve. Who knows? Regardless, don't allow others to put you in a box.
4.) "You're all alone."
It may not seem like it always, but know that somewhere out there, someone believes in you and treats you as his/her inspiration. While sometimes we expect too much from people who we consider as the ones closest to our hearts, it's unfortunate that sometimes, when we least expect it, they are no where to be found when we needed them the most. Take things as they are. And know that this experience allows you to see who really values you. You might be surprised how many others are willing to have a space in your life...they were just waiting for you to open up and notice them. Apart from that, let your faith take the lead. Believing in a higher being, whether that's God for you or someone else, allows you to hold on to hope as you journey through life. Never forget also the fact that you, by choice, can be your own greatest fan. So never leave your own side, regardless of what happens. The Universe has your back. And so do you.
5.) "You'll never make it."
Where you are right now, is exactly where you're meant to be. If you're struggling, it's preparing you for more growth. However, note that struggling does not mean you're failing. And it also does not mean that you'll never make it. Take that to heart. You always have the power to choose what's best for you, as you work on yourself and take one step forward every single day. Don't let the words of others stop you. You'll make it someday, in your own way. You just have to be fully committed to your goals, whatever they may be.
I hope that this article gives you a heads up on the negative thoughts that you have to avoid at all costs.
Mind you, these are the things I have heard others say to me before.
Negative thoughts which I never entertained. Thus never stopped me from becoming the person that I am now.
Remember: You become what you focus on.
So always see yourself through beautiful, grateful lens.
Good news are meant to be shared.
And that includes your own.
Yup, you and your success also deserve to be recognized.
Feel uncomfortable about it?
Take this time to assess why sharing your wins with others as you celebrate yourself and your success, makes you cringe or hold back in the process.
Is it the judgement of others? Or the ones that you have on yourself?
I know. When reality kicks you in the balls, it can hurt big time. Haha! Now, just breathe and accept what you need to.
While success shaming can be common in some cultures, ours included sadly, it shouldn't be a reason for you to hold back and keep your wins to yourself.
Let me say this now: sharing your wins to celebrate yourself and your growth does not make you arrogant.
There, I have said it.
I mean, for as long as you are clear with your intentions, meaning you just want to appreciate yourself for a job well done because you love yourself that much, how others may react to you in the process shouldn't matter.
Remember, when people see you as being boastful as you share what truly matters to you, it's probably them projecting their own insecurities and pains on you. And that's not your problem at all so don't even bother wasting your time and energy explaining yourself to them.
At this point, you might think that it takes quite a lot of inner work to become comfortable and secure when celebrating one's self and sharing your wins with others.
Do I even have to stress out the importance of this one? Haha! Seriously though, always remember that much like everyone else, you are very much deserving to acknowledge yourself and your wins, like how you willingly do for others. You matter just as much and you deserve to be seen, heard and felt. Giving yourself what is due was never optional nor dependent on the approval of others to begin with.
2. You motivate yourself to grow more
Becoming more mindful about yourself and your progress inspires you to go further in your own #bestmeever journey, no matter how that may look like for you. Being able to appreciate your growth and letting others know and celebrate with you empowers you to become the person you're meant to be, without judgment or fear.
3. You inspire others
For all you know, somewhere out there, someone looks up to you as an inspiration. So never let that person down. Celebrate yourself and your wins and allow yourself to take up space wherever you are in this world because that empowers others to do the same: to live life fully, and celebrate themselves as they are, authentically and unapologetically. Start that movement now.
4. You discover who genuinely supports you
An eye opener indeed. When you get to acknowledge yourself and your wins comfortably coming from the purest intentions of expressing your self-love and wanting to inspire others too, you will be surprised at times that not everyone will be happy for you, including those whom you expected to have your back. People change. And sometimes, one's success can trigger that, especially if not their own and they want the same for themselves but are not able to achieve it accordingly for whatever reason. As you celebrate yourself and your wins, take note of the people who don't clap for you. It's telling you that you're not on the same space and that you don't have to accommodate them ever in yours. Respect yourself enough to walk away from people who don't acknowledge your worth. It was never about them in the first place. One of the best decisions I have ever made in my life was to realize that I can't please everyone and that their reactions can never define my worth. Thus, I walked away from them with my head up high, and a genuine smile on my face and in my heart, knowing I am left with people who genuinely love and support me. Life goes on.
5. You open up opportunities for yourself
Fact: others won't know how amazing you are if you don't show them. Let your work speak for itself. As you celebrate yourself and your wins, you allow others to take notice of what you're good at and that allows you to align yourself with opportunities present in your network and beyond. Word of mouth is still the best form of marketing so allow people around you to vouch for you accordingly by sharing with them openly about your own progress in your journey, whether personally or professionally. Who knows, the next big break you want and need may just be around the corner, from one of those who has learned about you and your greatness. For me, whenever I shared my wins on social media, I received inquiries for my services and interviews across multimedia platforms, simply because people have taken notice of what I was capable of and the value I can add to their space. I think really it's all about how you share things, hopefully in the most genuine way with the clearest intentions. Take the chance. It will be worth it.
Hopefully now, after reading this, you become more at peace with celebrating yourself and your wins.
Nothing to lose. More to gain.
Keep growing. And keep sharing.
